"I'm such a dark soul..."

Just in case you haven't read it before...
This list has been circulating on the internet for quite a long time in different variations; AFAIK the original version was created by Lotus Rose. It speaks for itself - I added my own contributions to the list (written in italic), even if I don't qualify for being a "proper" goth. (This is why I would rather use the humble "darkly inclined" or "dark soul" terms instead of claiming to be a goth). I still nodded while reading the list, recognizing many items from my dark, gloomy, depressed everydays.
No copyright/copyleft violation intended! Just extended stupidity.

"I am so goth..."

I'm so goth as soon as I was born I put eyeliner on. And I put on too much.
I'm so goth I was born wearing eyeliner.
I'm so goth I got adopted by the Addams family.
I'm so goth when I was born the doctor slapped me and I didn't cry.
I'm so goth, when I was born, the doctor asked me, "What's with the shades?"
I'm so goth the first thing I did after being born was asking for a lighter to smoke a clove fag.
I'm so goth my diapers were made of pvc.
I'm so goth I already wore corsets in the kindergarten.
I'm so goth that when I was a toddler, I didn't cry over spilled milk, I MOURNED it.
I'm so goth I thought funeral processions were some kind of fancy parades.
I'm so goth, in preschool, the only crayon I used was black.
I'm so goth in preschool, all my drawings were titled, "DEATH.".
I'm so goth I always liked deadly, dangerous animals or plants on Biology lessons. Yew trees, lilies, venomous snakes, predators... I have never really planned it this way. (true story)
I'm so goth I always liked deadly, dangerous animals or plants on Biology lessons. Yew trees, lilies, venomous snakes, predators... I have never really planned it this way. (true story)
I'm so goth that at grammar school I developed a deep, stable emotional attachment to the death cap (Amanita phalloides) and the beautiful, snow white destroying angels (A. virosa, A. verna, A. ocreata, A. bisporigera). (true story)

I'm so goth, when I found a new hobby in aviation and space technology, people asked me "...and have you already found out how many possible ways there are to die when entering space?" (true story)
I'm so goth that at high school, all my papers were titled, "DEATH."
I'm so goth while I attended to school, I was asked if it wasn't uncomfortable to dig myself through 6 feet of earth each and every morning.


I'm so goth I dyed my shadow black.
I'm so goth my pupils are black.

I'm so goth people touch me and they immediately become goths. They would say "oh no, now I'm a goth!"
I'm so goth I keep saying things like "eternally yours in darkness" and "love and darkness" and "may the eternal darkness of the abyss enrapture and enshroud you in its infernal sickly sweet embrace."
I'm so goth my mere presence make flowers wither.
I'm so goth I like them better this way.

I'm so goth that when I tried the hippie lifestyle and hugged a tree, it died in the very minute I touched it.
I'm so goth I was to sell my soul to the devil but he wouldn't take it!
I'm so goth I have carpal tunnel syndrome from constantly putting the back of my hand to my forehead.

I'm so goth I put a pair of sunglasses on before opening the fridge.
I'm so goth I use black cotton balls.

I'm so goth I don't paint my fingernails black. I bash them with a hammer.
I'm so goth I chose the hammer because I always run out of black nail enamel too quickly.

I'm so goth I have self-slitting wrists.
I'm so goth they bleed black nail polish.
I'm so goth I still use the hammer instead. I like the pain.

I'm so goth I use up two packets of razor blades every week. One for trimming my mohawk, one for my veins.
I'm so goth I don't change my razor blades (for either purposes) too often, because I do enjoy the pain.

I'm so goth I always complain because my blacks don't match.
I'm so goth my clothes are made of dark matter.

I'm so goth it takes hours to decide what shade of black I should wear.
I'm so goth it takes further hours to get dressed.
I'm so goth it takes even more time to get undressed.
I'm so goth I stole Susanne Elmark's stage costume she wore when she sang The Queen Of The Night. This is what I wear as a simple everyday outfit.
I'm so goth I collect my different shades of black clothes in five different plastic bags. There is another bag for the coloured things too but I am unsure if any of those items belong to me.
I'm so goth I use black body bags instead of laundry bags.
I'm so goth I don't even have to ask the shop clerk "...do you have this blouse (skirt, top, anything else) in black?", because anything I try on turns black. Immediately.
I'm so goth every piece of clothing I own is black, and so I never find anything!
I'm so goth... dammit! I keep finding black things I didn't know I owned.

I'm so goth that I scare my hair into different colours.
goth #1: I'm so goth I cannot remember the original colour of my hair.
goth #2: I'm so goth I haven't got a natural hair colour.

goth #1: I'm so goth I like nightmares.
goth #2: I'm so goth nightmares have ME.

I'm so goth I believe electrical tape is a fashion accessory.

goth #1: I'm so goth I got a tattoo of Celtic knot work starting at the top of my head, winding all the way down my body, and trailing five feet behind me on the floor.
goth #2: I'm so goth I'm so Goth I AM a tattoo.
goth #3: I'm so goth I pierced all my tattoos.

goth #1: I'm so goth I got my medulla oblongata pierced.
goth #2: I'm so goth I got my mom pierced.


I'm so goth my pajamas are made of PVC.
I'm so goth I know what PVC stands for.


I'm so goth whenever I ring the doorbell at somebody's house they give me candy.
I'm so goth I write everything on black paper with a black pen in the dark and can never read what the hell I've written!
I'm so goth I always write with my own blood - good excuse for slitting my veins, yeah - and I use raven feathers instead of pens.
I'm so goth I find it easier to write with old-fashioned gothic Kurrentschrift, so nobody else than me can read what the bloody hell I have written!
I'm so goth even my grocery shopping lists are written with Kurrent. (true story)

I'm so goth I'm not only "goth," but also "gothe" "goff" "gawth" "gauwth" "gothic" "gothik" "gothique" and "gawfickk" and soon I hope to be "gauewthickueu."
I'm so goth if I stop moaning, people ask me "WHAT are you so happy about?"

goth #1: I'm so goth the smile muscles in my face have atrophied.
goth #2: I'm so goth I'm so goth the smile muscles in my face never GREW.
goth #3: What is that smile thing, or what do they call it?

I'm so goth I never use fabric softener because I enjoy the pain.
I'm so goth I use Clorox instead of shower gel.

I'm so goth I set off airport metal detectors from ten feet away with all my jewelry.
I'm so goth I have rigor mortis whenever I'm with my girlfriend.
I'm so goth my GF is envious because I look much better wearing her black lace blouse.
I'm so goth people always think we are a lesbian couple.
I'm so goth I smoke cloves all the time. Even under the shower.
I'm so goth I killed myself . . . twice.
I'm so goth my only reason why I don't kill myself thrice is that I am the one and only real goth.

goth #1: I'm so goth a little rain cloud follows me wherever I go and rains on me.
goth #2: I'm so goth I AM the little rain cloud.

I'm so goth I died and didn't notice.
I'm so goth I died and nobody did notice a thing.
I'm so goth I died by having laced my stays too tight and my ribs destroyed my inner organs.
I'm so goth I have no problems with walking through an abandoned cemetery at midnight, but having to interact with living people in the daylight scares the hell out of me.
I'm so goth I am sad because the constant trolling and spamming made communication impossible on alt.suicide.holiday. That was the very last place where I'd make a lot of friends and feel accepted. (true story)
I'm so goth I know what CTB stands for. (true story)

I'm so goth when I was the happiest in my whole miserable life, the very era I'm still nostalgic about, people were concerned about my being too dark and depressed. I'm longing for being "just" that depressed. (true story)

goth #1: I'm so goth people in the grocery store have refused to sell me any other cereal than Count Chocula.
goth #2: I'm so goth people ask me to AUTOGRAPH boxes of Count Chocula.

I'm so goth I carry black food dye around in case I have to eat anything that's not black.
I'm so goth I forget my food in the oven deliberately, so that it will burn to black.

goth #1: I'm so goth my mom is a ninja.
goth #2: I'm so goth every ninja is my mom.
goth #3: I'm so goth I know that ninjas were called Shinobi no mono, invisible warrior - furthermore, they didn't even wear cool black outfits but pretended to be average people. This is why the above goth #1 and goth #2 make me dwell into the depths of cruel, fathomless, painful sadness and just cannot find my way back.

I'm so goth I use spf 45 before opening the fridge.
I'm so goth I use spf 50 before daring to go out in the fullmoon night.
I'm so goth I don't get the fullmoon fetish. After all, it's the darkest at new moon's time, isn't it?
I'm so goth I think Jesus might have been a vampyre.

I'm so goth I ate a Happy Meal . . . because I like leading a dangerous life.
I'm so goth little kids are mesmerized by my appearance.
I'm so goth parents leg their kids when they see them mesmerized by my appearance.
I'm so goth I am banned.
I'm so goth I don't take my meds so that I can be even more goth.

I'm so goth I punched a Care bear.

I'm so goth, when I smile people ask me, "What are you plotting?"
I'm so goth little old ladies in walkers cross the street to insult me.

goth #1: I'm so goth I only drink black coffee.
goth #2: ...and black tea and blackcurrant juice and Médoc Noir.

I'me soe gothe ie thinke puttinge e'se one thee endse ofe mye wordse ise medaevale ande deepe.
I'm so goth at jeg kan lide den gamle danske skrivemåden. (NB Danish spelling - for a Norwegian-speaker - looks and feels exactly as old-fashioned and archaic - with other words: romantic - as Olde Anglaic for an English-speaker.)
I'm so goth I read about bog bodies in Danish.
I'm so goth I have serious ambitions about becoming a bog body.

I'm so goth I turn necrophiliacs on.

goth #1: I'm so goth I practise my blank stare in front of the mirror.
goth #2: I'm so goth I don't even have to practise it.
goth #3: I'm so goth I couldn't even practise my blank stare in front of the mirror - because I am not visible in mirrors.

I'm so goth I find steampunk, or longing for some romantic medieval or renaissance age ridiculous. What's this? I am ancient enough to edit my website in source code, and I regularly hang out on IRC!


I'm so goth I'm so goth I pierced both my nipples--does that shock you?--then I went to the genetic engineering lab and had my genetic structure altered to grow another nipple, then I had THAT one pierced.

goth #1: I'm so goth whenever I walk into a room, you hear "Toccata and fugue in D minor."
goth #2: I'm so goth it's "Vor deinen Thron tret ich hiermit" what can be heard, respectively.
goth #3: I'm so goth I get the point in the goth #2 above.

I'm so goth the lights go out when I enter a house.
I'm so goth the sun sets when I leave a house.
I'm so goth every colour fades in my environment.
I'm so goth the Great Nordic Midwinternight seems to be a nordic midsummernight if I show up.

I'm so goth I listen to The Sisters of Mercy and Bauhaus simultaneously at midnight in a graveyard sitting in a pentagram surrounded by candles & and oh, there's a full moon & and then I die. And then I come back to life. And then I die again & tragically.
I'm so goth I know what you mean when you mention the Reptile House of Leeds.
I'm so goth real goths wouldn't take me for a fellow, since I do like goth music but I consider it to be cheerful, delightful party music. For me, depressed music begins with Candlemass, Cathedral, Katatonia and Funeral. This makes me even more of an outsider and finally, finally I have a reason for despair! (true story)

I'm so goth I have actually seriously uttered the phrase, "the darkest dark of the dark darkness."

I'm so goth I got a job interview at a funeral home but they told me "you are way too overqualified to work with us!"
goth #1: I'm so goth people check my pulse whenever I sleep.
goth #2: I'm so goth I have never had a pulse.
I'm so goth, I was already goth when Lugosi Béla was still alive.
I'm so goth volunteers at the Suicide Hotline got tired of me and told me to stop calling them because I make them wanna do themselves in.

I'm so goth I'm catholic.
I'm so goth I make priests and nuns upset. I look so much better in black than them!
I'm so goth getting tanned is a sin.
I'm so goth people keep asking me if I'm alright.
I'm so goth people don't ask me anything any more, they just sigh and shake their heads.
I'm so goth the darkness is afraid of me.
I'm so goth I scare myself.
I'm so goth I can pronounce Siouxsie Sioux's name correctly.
I'm so goth I . . . wear . . . my . . . sunnnnnglasses at night (sung with a Corey Hart pout).
I'm so goth my doggo barks like this: "bauhaus, bauhaus!"
I'm so goth my cat would never begin miauwing in any other tones than flat minor ones.
I'm so goth I have black ink in my fish tank... and all the black fish are floating on the top of the black ink.
I'm so goth bats hang out mini plastic me's on the ceiling of their caves.

I'm so goth tans are a sin.
I'm so goth my skin would burst out in flames if I exposed it to sunlight.

I'm so goth my car sounds like "ankh, ankh!" when I start the motor.
I'm so goth I bought a hearse instead of getting a boring family car.
I'm so goth modern funerary trends make me sad. Too bad that "black funerals" are not in nowadays; the nice, colourful coffins and urns make me incredibly depressed.
I'm so goth I sleep under my bed.
I'm so goth I have a death certificate.
I'm so goth I use my death certificate instead of a passport or driving licence when asked to identify myself.
goth #1: I'm so goth I changed my name to Mystryss Darque Wintyr Nyght Rayn Ravyn.
goth #2: I'm so goth I haven't got a name. I am just goth.
goth #3: I'm so goth, in my passport (and driving licence and death certificate), it's written "Nameless here fore'ermore..." instead of a name.

I'm so goth I sleep with my hands crossed on my chest.
I'm so goth when I go to sleep I wake up with a toe tag.

goth #1: I'm so goth if I happen to fall asleep in a big cardboard box, somebody will make sure to add a heat-proof ceramic piece with an ID-number on it, and they will ring the hospital to make sure they took my pacemaker out.
goth #2: I'm so goth I always say "please don't bother to make such a fuss, just take me out to the sunlight!"
goth #3: I'm so goth I am the one who has to give first aid after each and every such encounter, because the other person has fainted.

goth #1: I'm so goth people start to cry when they look at me.
goth #2: I'm so goth I make myself cry.
goth #3: I'm so goth I think it's a good thing, actually, at least I always have a reason to cry.

I'm so goth Robert Smith asked for my autograph.
I'm so goth everybody who saw the picture of me signing an autograph for Robert Smith asked me "who's that poseur wannabe who bothered you for an autograph?"
I'm so goth Eldritch denies being me.
I'm so goth I cause Marilyn Manson nightmares.

I'm so goth I obtained a 12-pack absinth.
I'm so goth I spend every waking moment, every breath, in contemplation of Goth. The totality of my being is at one with the essence of Goth.
I'm so goth I dot my i's with frowny faces.

I'm so goth all I do is sit around and talk about how goth I am.

I'm so goth I'm the only person in the whole goddamned world who understands what goth REALLY is, and I'm not telling you!
I'm so goth I deny being a goth - and this increases my goth reputation even more!

I'm so goth I have always been an outcast in the goth community, because I'm way too depressed to be one of them.
I'm so goth I'm still not sleeping at 2.30 a.m but translating and completing this silly list!